In the episode of Seinfeld titled “The Van Buren Boys,” Elaine is tasked with ghostwriting J. Peterman’s autobiography using stories taken from the life of Kramer, the majority of which are useless tales with no solid resolution. “These Kramer stories are unusable. I mean, some of them aren’t even stories. Look, this is a list of things in his apartment” she tells Jerry at one point, getting one of the best laughs in the episode.

But although it’s meant as a joke, when you really think about it you can learn a lot about a person by what they have in their home, much like how you can tell everything you need to know about someone by the box of books they have in their garage sale. So instead of writing yet another boring artist’s bio in which I list off where I was born and where I went to school, I broke out the trusty ol’ typewriter and made an inventory of some, but not nearly all, of the items in my home in order for you to get to know me better.